What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 00:42
But ive been too sick for many years..
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What was your best unexpected reunion with your childhood best friend?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why is the world male-dominated?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Can shaving hair by Veet in our vagina cause diseases?
She married twice! .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was in good health!
Do women like watching men sucking men?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What are some good Caribbean islands to travel to with friends or family? Why?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What are the challenges associated with the birth narratives of Jesus?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why is it easy to make money in the USA?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My life is so biszare .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
(And it was in our own minds.)
So whats the point in blame.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I will be 64.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was seconnd youngest,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
All the time i was locked up.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It was going to be , some day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ive learnt so much.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was 9 years of age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I have no regrets .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I don,t even have a pension.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was scared of men, in general
But it wasn’t much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is soul school!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i lived it daily.
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I write beautiful poetry .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was very sick at this time too.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..